Happy New Year!

Although it seems the rest of the world in on vacation right now THRIVE IS NOT!! We are still making it happen!! Don't miss THRIVE Tonight! 509 S. Park Ave in Apopka!!

Top 10 Christmas gifts not to get your wife...

I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas, so I'll do it in the way I know how... with an incredibly stupid top 10 list!

This is one that... sure to offend some! :) It's a list of Christmas shopping tips for husbands, but for those that miss the cynicism, this should be titled, "The Top 10 Christmas Gift Ideas NOT to get Your Wife!"

Women... I apologize ahead of time! :)

10. A brand new apron. This way she won't get anything on he clothes while she is cooking your dinner.

9. Don't let your wife push around a mower all the time, get her a new self-propelled mower! This way she won't be too tired to cook your dinner.

8. Women love a romantic dinner, so why not take her to a place that says "i love you" And nothing says I love you like a great wing or steak place!

7. You know how your wife loves meaningful communication and a good listener. So this year get that perfect listening ear.. The Olympic digital recorder.

6. You wife would just love a brand new shotgun.

5. You know how hard it is to eat right during the holidays. This year get her a case of Slim fast! Perfect for after and easy too!

4. A brand new Blue Ray DVD player! Wives are all into pixels and screen resolution so why not get her somethign she will love! While your at it throw in a couple of great chick flicks like Terminator & Braveheart!

3. Power tools! The bigger the better!

2. Lingerie... The less comfortable the better.

1. Lastly here is a gift that says I am really thinking ahead. You know it's about to happen, it does very regularly. The gift that says "I love you so much" Midol.

Trust me... This works~!

Had a great time at the first annual Blue Darter Christmas!! Thanks to all who came and Thanks to the Blue Darters and the Cheerleaders!!

A Blue Darter Christmas!! Tonight at Thirive!! 6:57 PM Come show your love for the hard work the team and Cheerleaders did!! PIZZA

How to help your kids handle grief!!

Tragedy is a reality. We all face it at times. The question we might have as parents and youth workers is, "How can we help our kids process this kind of grief?"

My city has been dealing with this recently as three young people were killed in a car wreck. The intriguing thing I'm noticing is the different advice we're hearing about helping kids deal with this.

The Sacramento Bee newspaper offered some interesting observations in their recent article about the incident, noting that teenagers don't grieve like adults. The article contends that teenagers bury their feelings deep because of the pressure to look good and seem confident.

I'm not sure I agree with that generalization at all. I have seen plenty of evidence to the contrary, where kids will almost have complete meltdowns over even trivial matters. Youth workers like to call this "drama." We've all seen it. Billy breaks up with Ali and Ali reacts no better than "Bella" in the recent movie New Moon... complete emotional breakdown.

I think some teenagers probably do have a propensity to repress feelings or "gunnysack," but I wouldn't try to rubberstamp that as a diagnosis for all teenagers. It would be difficult to generalize "all students" as grieving one way. Students are so diverse in how they process things.

But the same Bee article also noted something I found quite interesting- something I definitely have observed mainstream- the desire teenagers have to just be together and process grief with their friends.

"A lot of times, kids don't necessarily want to talk, they just want to be together," said Lissa Morgan, counselor at Rocklin. "They just want to go into the room and feel supported by one another."

A steady rotation of students filled a conference room at Rocklin on Monday and Tuesday, where chaplains and counselors were on call. Most students sat quietly, Morgan said, or signed a poster with notes to Pak, a junior who died in the car crash.

Students at Folsom also taped a banner to an outside wall for Shaw, a senior who died in the crash. Throughout the day, students picked up Crayola markers to write notes or draw pictures. Or they gathered at the wall to share memories of Shaw.

"You didn't have to know him for this to affect you," said Yasi Saderi, 17, senior class president, who plans to give the completed banner to Shaw's mother. "We wanted everyone to express what they felt."

The wall is especially effective for teens, White said, because it gives them permission to express their feelings without being put on the spot. Reading others' comments helps teens understand their own feelings.

Lane Palmer has a counseling background and was a youth pastor in Columbine during the 1999 incident. Lane, a regular contributor to our website, has written articles for us about dealing with school shooting tragedies and how to process this kind of grief as a group. Lane chimed in on this particular Sacramento Bee article and how students can process grief in a healthy way:

Every teen to some extent will go through the grieving period during adolescence, so youth workers need to be aware and ready to help. It could be the death of a parent, friend suicide, or even a grieving of moving out of childhood. It’s a great opportunity to help students understand and process both the joys and loss that relationships and life brings.

I agree that letting the teens just ‘hang out’ and process on a peer level is important, but equally important is encouraging them to process their feelings in some way- talking, journaling, drawing, etc. With some of the Columbine students, I just sat and let the conversation flow.

Avoid any ‘you need to be strong’ or ‘you need to move on’ stuff. Every teen grieves in a different way and time.

I think hanging a huge butcher paper in the youth room and make a general opportunity to write thoughts, names, struggles, etc. would be a great thing for any youth group

Great advice from Lane.

You can check out the entire Sacramento Bee article here. http://ping.fm/gMXKi

Blue Darter Christmas!! Apopka please come out to say thank you for all your hard work we want to invite all the Apopka Blue Darters football team and the cheerleaders! Come out Wed Dec 23rd 509 S Park Ave at 6:57!! We love you!!

Join us Live today at Victory Church LIVE for out Christmas Special!!
http://ping.fm/jMudM

A BLUE DARTER CHRISTMAS!! Wednesday, 6:57 PM at THRIVE!! 509 S. Park Ave Apopka

Just got finished shooting a interview with David MacDerment...

The Lost Art...

“I can live for two months on one good compliment.” – Mark Twain

We live in a pretty ungrateful society. From your boss, to the parents you try to please, to the students you love, rarely will you ever get all the affirmation you deserve. Let me take a minute to tell you that while I challenge you to continue to cultivate the art of affirmation in your ministry, I want to encourage you. I apologize for all the times you’ve waited too long to receive a decent compliment. Cheesy though it may sound, I mean it when I say that I think you’re amazing, and you really are doing a great job.

The Bible says that we don’t even give a cup of cold water away in Jesus’ name without receiving our reward. When you don’t hear the praise of those around you, remember that Jesus is clapping; and all those secret sacrifices you’ve made will be rewarded.

I’ve always said that a hungry need is a dangerous need. One of the greatest needs I think our students have is the need for affirmation. It’s the reason many of them try to date a bunch of people or give their hearts away too soon and to the wrong person. Early on in youth ministry, I worked to make affirmation a part of my own spiritual DNA. Because it is something I so wanted, it had to be something I’ve worked to give away. As I look back, I would say much of the success we’ve had in youth ministry is because we’ve chosen to build an affirming environment among our staff, our leaders, and our students.

Consciously look for things to praise and be honest and genuine in your affirmation. You will see your students begin to respond, to gain confidence, and to see themselves in the amazing way that God sees them.

Great children's program tonight @ Victory Church! Too Cute!

Join us live right now for our annual Christmas Program!! http://ping.fm/ETU9G

Join us live at http://ping.fm/5Y2Uc

Right now!!

Congrats to the Apopka Blue Darters on their incredible season!! It was an honor to work with you!!

Bad: missing school or work and blaming it on church. Stay tuned

Good and bad habits for leadership: good: loving your family. Bad: not loving your family. Good: showing who you are by what you do.

THRIVE WAS GREAT TONIGHT!!! All had a great time even the forever young Kasey enjoyed her birthday!

Will Adam Lambert's Antics Wake Up Parents?

It seemed like just another typical American Music Awards. Rihanna revealed...too much, Jay Z rapped about how great he is, Shakira did her little hip thing with a mic stand (I think I saw the mic stand smoking a cigarette just moments later), Gaga... well... was Gaga. But then, to top the night off, Adam gave one of the most graphically sexual performances I have ever seen on network TV.

I'm not talking about one incident...it was throughout the whole performance. Lambert grabbed one of his dancers head and simulated oral sex, he kissed a male band member in true 'Britney-Madonna' fashion, dragged dancers on a leash, and even flipped off the audience. Apparently West coast audiences didn't get to see some of the antics.

It seems that artists are testing the waters and seeing just how far they can push the envelope. That's what the rest of the entertainment industry is doing (Hey! Normal sex isn't even selling big anymore, let's try threesomes!)

The thing that has me scratching my head is, "Why are people so shocked?" Don't get me wrong... I'm glad that people are raising the questions as to if this is appropriate to show on TV. I'm just laughing that people have no problem with everything else we allow on TV.

Is this really that surprising?

Lambert wasn't shy about retorting to some of the criticism, calling it a double standard since women performers have been "pushing the envelope" for decades.

Some people are definitely upset, with almost every media outlet chiming in about the incident. USA TODAY is taking a poll: entertainment, or over the top?

I definitely think it's over the top. But so was Shakira... so were about 20 moments during the last MTV VMA's, so is every episode of CBS's Two and a Half Men.

Hmmmmmmm.

Maybe this will wake up some of the parents around the world as to what we are teaching this young generation.

Raising money for Apopka Football! If you can help let me know! We will advertise your name of Co. at the games!

Sexting??

I think sexting is probably one of the biggest youth culture issues addressed by the news-media in the last year. http://ping.fm/fSGJt even this week when we saw another suicide that began from a sexting incident.

Now MTV/Associated Press has taken a poll and shared their findings. I always find it ironic that MTV is doing these studies. I understand why they want to know this information-- so they can better understand the generation that they are pimping their smut too-- but I just wonder how MTV execs sleep at night when they discover the truth from all these polls.

Even Conan O Brian joked about this in his monologue last night, commenting that MTV was recommending that kids don't participate in sexting. He jested, "MTV says there's a time and a place to share these intimate moments... and that's on one of our 17 reality shows!" :)

Anyway... the AP article reporting on this study shares that more than a quarter of young people have been involved in sexting in some form. I also found it interesting that only about half of the kids surveyed saw the issue as a big problem.

The article goes on to talk about the teen brain, arguing that teenage brains are not quite mature enough to make good decisions:

Research shows teenage brains are not quite mature enough to make good decisions consistently. By the mid-teens, the brain's reward centers, the parts involved in emotional arousal, are well-developed, making teens more vulnerable to peer pressure.

But it is not until the early 20s that the brain's frontal cortex, where reasoning connects with emotion, enabling people to weigh consequences, has finished forming.

Beyond feeling invincible, young people also have a much different view of sexual photos that might be posted online, Bogle said. They don't think about the idea that those photos might wind up in the hands of potential employers or college admissions officers, she said.

"Sometimes they think of it as a joke; they have a laugh about it," Bogle said. "In some cases, it's seen as flirtation. They're thinking of it as something far less serious and aren't thinking of it as consequences down the road or who can get hold of this information. They're also not thinking about worst-case scenarios that parents might worry about."

You can read the whole AP article here. ( http://ping.fm/2LnES )

Bottom line: continue to talk with our kids about these issues.

APOPKA 7 TC 0

Attention Apopka!!!! Attention Thrivers!!! We ARE having a Thanksgiving party Wed. Bring any non-Thanksgiving food! pizza, cereal,... 6:57 PM!

Had another big surprise party for me at Church! Everyone Dressed up like the elderly and gave me old people gifts and cards!! Very funny and nice!!

Jonathan's Blog from the Source two cents on Twilight's New Moon

JONATHAN’S BLOG FROM THE SOURCE.

My Two Cents After Seeing Twilight's New Moon
Posted: 22 Nov 2009 06:50 PM PST
Twilight's sequel The New Moon proved to not only be THE pop culture phenomenon of the year, but the biggest opening weekend of the year, grossing 72.7 million on it's opening day alone (beating out Dark Knight), and raking in 140 million for the weekend so far (it's Sunday as I write this).

Todd (our movie review guy), David (our director of content development) and I went to see the movie together on Saturday while attending the YS National Youth Workers Convention in Atlanta (yes... we cut the convention to see a movie!)

So what did I think?

It's soooooo hard to approach this film unbiased. Twilight fans are so emotionally invested in the characters of the saga that they are borderline obsessive. Combine that with what we already knew going into the film about the "self-destructive" messages present in the story... it's hard to know how objective I can be. But here goes!

Bella really needs to get a life!

Wow... it's really hard to watch this girl. Yes, I know that girls feel emotions. Yes, I know that it's difficult when someone breaks up with you. But Bella's emotions are on steroids. The film offers several scenes where we see Bella anguishing over her loss... my wife didn't make that much noise having my children!

Her self-destructive behavior was probably even more-so than we predicted in our Youth Culture Window article we wrote about the film last week. I'm surprised she didn't just pull up her sleeves and start cutting away.

Here's some of her lines I jotted down during the film:

"You're my only reason to stay alive."

"My pain was my only reminder that he was real."

"I'm not a car that you can fix up. I'm never gonna run right."

When Bella took off with a stranger on the back of a motorcycle (with no helmet), her friend said, "You're insane! Suicidal!' Bella simply replied. "That was such a rush."

Her self-destructive behavior gets worse as the film continues.

At the end Edward wants to commit suicide too. He says, "I couldn't live in a world where you don't exist."

Yes, we saw similar attitudes from Romeo and Juliet. But New Moon preaches it in a language that young girls understand fluently. I encourage you to watch the film and see this for yourself.

Add to that the fact that Bella gets in a love triangle between Jacob and Edward, allowing herself to be so emotionally tied to each, that it's unfair to both guys. The film doesn't seem to present any problem with this kind of two-timing behavior. It's hard to imagine what young people are learning about love and relationships from films like this.

In addition, Bella and Edward discuss the possibility of losing their soul when becoming a vampire. Bella quickly dismisses the reality, finally resolving that it's a sacrifice she's willing to take. Again... no big deal... according to the film makers.

Hmmmmmm.

Bottom Line: Bella is a terrible role model. Bella was a turd in the custard.

Parents, I don't recommend you letting your tweens or teens watch this. I'll be so bold to say, SKIP IT. The film is completely clean and deemed "okay" by many. Don't let the lack of sex or language fool you. The negative imitable behavior from this film is at an all time high.

My Rod Mock's two cents:
This is a movie about Vampires... Nuff said.

http://ping.fm/0tEp1

Still freaking out about the Blue Darters win over Boone!! This...Could...Go...All...The...Way!!

Twilight New Moon

Twilight's 'Emo' New Moon

If you have been anywhere around tween girls in the last few days, you've probably heard the news... Twilight's sequel, New Moon, is coming to theaters Today.

This is probably THE most anticipated film of the year by teenagers. The buzz for this film is huge. Even if kids aren't Twilight fans, they are going to be hearing nothing but Twilight for a few weeks. Some kids will just go to see it to see what all the buzz is about.

The question many of you might have is- what message will this film be communicating to our kids?

David and Jonathon just wrote a Youth Culture Window article answering that very question, an article that specifically addresses some of the self-destructive messages the film conveys. Here's just a snippet of that article:

Twilight Goes ‘Emo’
Bella’s Self-destructive Dependence on Edward

There’s a New Moon rising this Friday night in theaters… and your kids won’t miss it. The question is what will this new film in the Twilight Saga communicate to our kids?

The first film was labeled “harmless” by many, despite its numerous subtle messages. (Hey girls, wouldn’t it be romantic if your boyfriend snuck into your room in the middle of the night and made-out with you on your bed?) Harmless?

However, in the second film, Bella seems to take an emotionally-charged turn that’s self-destructive in nature. Whew! It’s a good thing we don’t live in a world where millions of young girls have low self-esteem and engage in self-destructive behaviors because of it.

(Awkward pause)

So… what will this New Moon look like?

The New Moon is FULL
The Quileute Tribe. The Volturi. Shape-shifters. Many adults may not yet know what these fictional agents have in common, but without a doubt, they’ll combine for the biggest event in youth culture this week.

For months, millions of teenagers have been counting down the days to this coming Friday night, November 20th, when New Moon, the second film in the Twilight Saga, is released in theaters around the world.

Youth media and marketing have capitalized on the “pop culture phenomenon” and have taken every opportunity to promote the new film in as many different venues as possible. Tons of websites have been created around the plot and cast (like The Twilight Saga, Twilighters Anonymous and New Moon Movie). MTV has highlighted exclusive previews of the upcoming film at both of their awards shows earlier this year and bloggers have been following the cast and speculating about the movie for weeks. When New Moon's soundtrack was recently released, it easily climbed to #1 on the album charts. Further, The Twilight Saga has even caused other TV networks to offer their own version of vampire stories given the success of this franchise. And of course, vampire merchandise has generated incredibly high sales in several retail stores...

CLICK HERE FOR THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE

The article goes on to talk in greater detail about Bella's emotional self-destructive behaviors.

YIKES! Scary stuff.

APOPKA Darters 1st round playoff against Boone! Go Blue Darters!!

Getting my vaca ceeone on!! Hitting the beach with my fam!

Discipline part 2

Here are some things to remember about discipline:

1. The purpose of discipline is to help your child get to a place that he/she want to be. Understanding that, a parent must then construct every consequence, rule, expectation, and directive around the intent of getting the child to a place that he/she wants to go. Much like a horse, any child can’t totally understand, much less comprehend, where they’re going, or
how they’re going to get there. Unlike a horse, a child can learn to trust in deep ways, and can reason a little better (we hope).

I stated earlier that discipline shouldn’t always be about punishment. The direction that I take my child must be predicated on the fact that I know where I’m going. As a parent, one must understand the direction, the “end point”, and have some strategy to get there. If a parent doesn’t understand this, then the purpose of discipline becomes nothing more than telling a child what NOT TO DO, without telling them what TO DO.
It’s like saying to them, “Don’t go there, because I want you to go to a place that neither of us know.”

So the questions I would ask are: Where are you going with your discipline? Do you know where you want to go with your child? Do you know where your child wants to go? Do you know for what you’re disciplining them? Do you have a plan? (Remember, if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.)

2. Rules without relationship causes rebellion. If one thinks that discipline is nothing more than a list of rules posted on the refrigerator that line out how everyone is supposed to act, they are greatly mistaken. It is important that time be spent with your child outside of just correcting and disciplining them. I usually suggest that a father and son, mother and daughter or any combination of the four, spend time together over a weekly breakfast or a special weekly dinner, where a relationship can be fostered. If you tell me that you already have a great relationship, then I would tell you to do it anyway. It is one more opportunity for you to develop a platform of dialogue should a tough time arise or if you find that discussions at home just aren’t working. Have a meal together. Spend time asking questions. Get to know your child. Ask what is happening in their life. Don’t share your opinion until they ask. Move toward them. Get their “take” on things in their world.

Over time you’ll find that this new platform will give you the opportunity to share your stories, a place to admit faults and shortcomings, an arena for them to share their concerns, and an opportunity for them to ask you questions. And don’t quit meeting if there is disagreement or conflict in your household. Commit to the time, and commit to each other.

If your child doesn’t want to do this, make it a requirement. Let them know that you think that it’s important enough that you’ll not pay for the cell phone, or not pay car insurance, or not pay for a car. Let them know that this is so important to you that you’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. Build the relationship.

3. Look to their interest. As stated, it’s not about you, it’s about them. Scripture reminds us in Philippians to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” Don’t hand out a consequence just because it makes you mad. Hand it out because, if they continue in the inappropriate behavior, the result will be something that is harmful to them, and will take them somewhere they really don’t want to go. Now you may still be mad, but don’t let your anger be your motivation. Your motivation is to help your child, not to vent your frustration or anger. The purpose of getting together for breakfast should not be that you’ll look like a better Dad, but should be because your child needs time together with you. The purpose of having them make good grades is so that they can get to the college they want to go to, not because making bad grades is a reflection on you. The reason to encourage sports is not because you feel that every child who plays sports is better, but because your child wants to do something. This is about them, not you.

4. “Standing in front of your child” means confrontation. Confrontation is never easy, and is never really that enjoyable. It’s easy to hang out with a child when everything is going well, not so easy when it’s not. Confrontation doesn’t have to mean war. Hopefully, you can move to a discussion about whatever the issues are, and put them on the table to talk about. It might happen at the breakfast you have every week. It might happen in the car. Wherever it happens, just make sure that it does. To avoid confrontation is only postponing the inevitable to a time when things will be worse.

As a word to the wise, I would tell you to not confront when you are angry. Let everything cool down first. When you do approach your child, let them know that you’d like to talk about something that has come up. When you do get together for the confrontation, lead with questions.
Give opportunities for answers. Keep telling yourself that this is about them, not you. Share your concerns.

5. Don’t be afraid of seeing your child go through pain. Parents are, at times, much too quick to rescue a child from their discomfort, thus keeping them from learning from their mistakes or choices. A person will continue in their inappropriate behavior until the pain derived from that behavior is greater than the pleasure received from it. Your rescuing just might allow them to continue in their plight. There are many words for this, denial, enabling, equipping, all done with the wrong motive, and all leading to wrong results.

When your child does go through consequences for inappropriate behavior or choices, don’t pull back from the relationship. They can be grounded and still have you spend time with them. They can “pay the price” and still have you love on them. Disengaging from a child while they’re being “disciplined” or going through the pain of some loss of privileges communicates a performance-based relationship. This communicates to your child that you’ll be “with” them as long as they don’t do anything wrong, which isn’t exactly what most parents want to communicate nor is it what most teens want to hear. Young people who I have met through the years all know that their parents love them when they’re “right”, but live with a fear that they won’t be loved when they are “wrong”. Let them know that you love them when they are wrong.

There’s nothing wrong with communicating to someone that if one continues in the behavior then it will damage your relationship with them. Not because of what you’re doing, but because of what they’re doing. Remember, it’s about them.

Whenever young people are disciplined at Heartlight, they are usually given work projects or eliminated from social activities. While they work, I make sure that I get them something to drink, grab something from Starbucks to take to them, stop and talk with them, or buy them lunch. It is my intention to communicate that I love them just as much when they’ve done something wrong as when they do everything right. All kids need to hear that message.

6. You can’t correct everything so pick your battles wisely. If I was determined to correct every issue that a child presents, I would spend all my time correcting, and very little time building any relationship at all. Your child is not going to be perfect this side of heaven, and there’s plenty of time to correct things along the way.

Experience has showed me a couple of things (among the thousands) of note about moms and dads in this regard. Moms have a tendency to want to correct everything, and most of the time, can’t sit still until everything is “right”. Dads on the other hand, don’t think that anything is wrong, so they stop short of doing anything to correct the presenting problems.

The answer: Mom and Dad need to get together to figure out what is important at this stage of the game and determine how issues are going to be confronted, and decide what needs to be tackled now, and what can wait.

7. Discipline is a lot more than just rules, consequences, and justice, it’s training. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Most take this Scripture to mean only spiritual training. No doubt, it does include that, but it also would pertain to training in the world of finances, in developing responsibility, and in personal relationships just to name a few.

I wonder sometimes if the reason that we see so much anger in young people is that we’re not preparing them for the world into which they are walking. Anger is an emotional response to not getting what you want. Young people tell me all the time that they’re angry, and they don’t know why. As I spend time with them and help them process what they feel and think, I sense that they just aren’t ready to hit the world running, and it angers them. Could it be that this is one of the reasons that young people headed off to college these days are so dependent on their parents? I’d be mad too if someone expected me to fulfill an expectation without preparing me for the task. It’s just a thought,

The point is this. We must prepare our children for the world in which they will live. Somewhere in the midst of raising children, our emphasis must switch from protecting to preparing, from lecture to discussion, and from doing things for them to allowing them to learn to do things for themselves. They’re immature. They’re immature because we’ve created a teen world that is lacking in accountability, and short on responsibility. Parents must move young people from dependency on Mom and Dad to independence. It’s a part of training. It’s part of discipline. It allows a maturing of relationships to happen. The kind of maturing that makes it easier to “leave and cleave” when the time comes.

The purpose of discipline, the need for real relationship, the interest of the child, the task of confronting, the necessity of pain, the value of wisdom, and the importance of preparation: What else do parents need to know about discipline?

Beliefs, Boundaries, and Rules

Beliefs

Most of the time parents are coming to me and saying the following: “Help me, my home is spinning out of control”, “What I’ve been doing for so long isn’t working any longer, what do I do?”, “How can I get my kids to listen to me?”, “I’ve ignored my kids for so long, how can I start something new when I’ve been such a failure?”, “Where do I start?” These are great questions from some great parents who desire great things for their kids. They just don’t know how to start.

Let’s start at the beginning. Have you asked yourself those pertinent questions that would give you some direction? “Who am I?” “What do I believe about what I want for my family?” “What do I want for my kids and from my kids ?” “What do I support, and what do I not support?” “What do my kids need?” “What are some goals I would love to see realized for my family?” These are all great questions that help parents establish what they believe.

Once parents know where they want to go, it’s much easier to map out a strategy. A major roadblock to developing a new strategy is the belief of most parents that parenting should become easier as the time goes on. Thus, there is a dependence on parenting skills “of old” and former “habits of the home” with the belief that because these formerly used customs worked then, so why won’t they work now? Using the old ways allows for old behaviors to continue: Fifteen year-old kids throwing fits like a five year-old; Sixteen year-olds who can’t even get out of bed, but are expected to hold a job; Eighteen year-olds, who are now adults, being treated like they were twelve, and acting like it. Which came first? The treatment or the behavior.

In his book, Dedication and Leadership, Douglas Hyde comments that to get more from people, you must demand more. Scripture tells us that “we have not, because we ask not.” It’s true. We get what we ask. So the big question is: What are you asking for?

It is my personal belief that a seventeen year-old young man ought to be able to get out of bed. If he can’t, then he needs to pay the consequences. What are those consequences? He’ll be late to school, have to “stay after” to make up a class, might flunk the class or test that he was to take that day, or might miss something in which he really wanted to participate. Now, if he gets mad at his parents for not waking him up and is disrespectful, then we have another problem. I can promise you this, if he has to pay the price a number of times, he’ll change his tune and learn some new habits. Right now he doesn’t have to because Mommy and Daddy will come and wake him up. (My Dad got out of his bunk at age seventeen to run radio communications on a naval destroyer in the Pacific. This young man can’t even get out of bed to make it to school, and worse yet, he feels it is Mom and Dad’s responsibility and he gets angry when they don’t do their job.)

There are problems written all over this scenario and they can be applied to several different situations. First, the parents have allowed old habits, those developed in the elementary school years, to creep over into the teen years. Second, the parents are keeping this child from developing responsibility, thus allowing immaturity to continue. Third, the child is angry because he hasn’t been prepared to do what he needs to do in a world that will demand that he work to get somewhere. Fourth, because of the dependence the young man has had on his Mom or Dad to wake him up, he will be even angrier when the parents decide to transfer control of this little responsibility to him. Why? He’s dependent on it. Where should he be moved to? Independence.

What do you think about this story? Sound familiar? If parents are going to tackle issues such as these, they have to start at the very beginning. And the beginning is asking them what they believe. The question here is, “Do you believe that a seventeen year-old young man ought to be able to get out of bed on his own?” If you do, then you take that belief and apply “rules of the house” to the situation to begin the process of preparing your child for the next stage of his life; a stage where “Mommy and Daddy” won’t be around to wake “Billy” up in the morning.

Please recognize the exaggeration in this story. I do so to make a point. It’s almost as if parents fall into the trap of depending on ideologies that were formed by their parents, or determined at the earlier stages of their marriages, or developed when their children were very young. These family customs have got to change. The first part of this change is to determine my beliefs. The second stage is setting some boundaries.

Boundaries

A boundary defines us. It tells us who we are, and perhaps, who we’re not. A boundary gives us backbone. It allows us to not be walked on or taken advantage of. A boundary establishes who “me” is and who “me” is not. It defines my role; which ones I will play, and those I won’t. It’s saying “no” when I want to, and “yes” when I want to. These boundaries are something that are about “me”. And, there’s nothing wrong with establishing who I am. In the process, the definition of who I am as a parent, will also define who “you are” as a child.

Allow me to use this truth to demonstrate some boundaries that I would place in the “getting-out-of-bed” illustration. The first boundary that I would set is: I’m not an alarm clock and I’m not going to take on the responsibility of getting someone over the age of twelve out of bed in the morning. The second boundary is: I’m not responsible for you getting to school. The third is: I’m not the person to complain to when you can’t fulfill what you need to do to make life happen the way you want. I’ll talk about it, but don’t “dump this one” on me. Now I can still make breakfast, still engage in conversation, but all the while, I let them take responsibility.

Young people tell me all the time that they want to make decisions for themselves and be in control of their own lives. My first thought is “Hallelujah! We want the same thing!” So what do we do as parents? Give it to them. Let them do it. Some young people have the ability to “set the world on fire”, (figuratively speaking, not literally), but they can’t even get out of bed.

It sounds harsh doesn’t it? It does if you are accustomed to being walked on and have gotten in the habit of “babying” your child. It’s not really that harsh if you sit back and read again what is being asked. How are we supposed to put this into action?

If your child is young, let them know that when they turn thirteen that you expect them to get themselves out of bed, do whatever you require thirteen-year-olds to do in the morning, eat breakfast, and be ready to leave for school by a certain time. Remember how they want to be a teen and take on responsibility? Give it to them. You’d much rather deal with the repercussions of their learning at an earlier age when grades don’t matter as much, than you would when their learning could postpone going to college.

If your child is that seventeen year-old, then it’s okay to change directions with old habits. Yes, leopards grow new spots, old dogs learn new tricks, and I am not doomed to live by standards and habits that I developed twenty years ago. It’s okay to have “that talk” with your teen, and simply tell them that you’re not going to be able to do that any more, AND, this is a responsibility that they’re going to have to take on. Tell them that you’ll buy them an alarm clock if they want. Tell them that you’ll show them how to set the alarm clock. Tell them that breakfast will be waiting. Ask them what they want you to do if they don’t get out of bed (I’d let them sleep all day). Offer yourself. Give them the responsibility.

You begin to set boundaries and you’ll be amazed how they will learn to set boundaries. You begin to say “no”, and they’ll learn how to say “no”. You establish rules for your home; they’ll establish rules for their home. You ask them questions, they’ll begin to ask you questions. You become who you are to be, and surprisingly, they’ll start to become who they are to be. It’s an amazing concept. It’s called mentoring. It’s called training. It’s called “monkey see, monkey do”. It’s called preparing. I think we all should know it as “parenting”.

Rules

I’ve always said that immaturity demands boundaries and defiance demands consequences. As a parent, I set the boundaries (the fences), in which I operate, and also those within which my child operates. It’s saying to my child: “Here are the options for you to choose.” The options offered are boundaries that I set for the benefit of me and for the benefit of them. I let them know what I will do and what I won’t do. I also let them know what parameters they have to function within. Their choosing what to do is their control, their exercise of decision making, and their responsibility to engage.

As parents begin to develop rules for the home, I encourage them to outline what they believe their home should be. I call it a “Belief System”. After lining out the beliefs, determine what rules will support those beliefs. From there you can then determine what the consequences would be for violating any of the rules. I encourage people to graph out what they want in spreadsheet form, so that each belief has a rule and each rule has a consequence.

Using the “getting out of bed” illustration one could line it out as follows:

Belief:
A teenager ought to be able to get out of bed on their own.
Rule:
You (the teenager) must get yourself out of bed for school.
Consequence:
1st time: You have to make up all missed school work
2nd time: You’re grounded Friday and Saturday night
3rd time: We’re taking the car away (older teen).

Do you think the consequences will “push” your child to either accept responsibility or develop some new habits? I’m sure they will. When they learn that you are serious about the consequences, they’ll become serious about maturing. Once the “system” is set, don’t undermine it by making exceptions. You can do that later. Put the system in place and let it be your guide. Just like a Policy and Procedure Manual for a company, this Belief System can determine actions to be taken because the decisions have already been made.

This is a pretty easy concept and can be adapted to just about any situation or home. When you develop this Belief System for your home, I would encourage you to insure that everything is age/maturity appropriate, clearly understood, and mutually supported by both parents and all involved.

When you then have to correct your child, they will know that this is about them and their choices. It’s not that you as a parent have gotten them into trouble. It’s that they have gotten themselves into trouble by not following what has been agreed to. They chose.

I encourage you to determine what you believe about disrespect, dishonesty, or disobedience, and line out the consequences for the violation of each. The priority you give to your belief, or the value you place on certain rules over, will determine the priority and severity of the consequences. Driving while drunk will bring a more severe consequence than not getting out of bed in the morning.

Will they like consequences? No. Who does? Remember, you’ve got to let them experience the pain of their choices so that they learn “to not go there”. It’s okay to let them “sit in it”. You don’t have to pull back your relationship when they suffer consequences. Move toward them.

What are some of the consequences you can list? Remember how we’ve over-indulged them, how we’ve spoiled them and they can hardly make it on their own? Well, start taking it away. There’s nothing wrong with showing some backbone.

When my wife and I lived in-house at Heartlight, and oversaw the operation of the house, we were having a tough time getting the boys to clean their toilet. After repeatedly pleading, asking, and begging, it was evident that nothing verbal was working to get their attention. So, one day when all of the guys were at school, I removed the toilet from the bathroom. They came home from school, went to go do their “business”, and ended up coming to me asking where their toilet was. I told them that because they couldn’t clean it, they couldn’t have it. One puzzled guy asked, “Well, what are we supposed to do?” It was an easy answer, “Aim well”.

After two days, a delegation of young men came asking what they must do to get their toilet back. I told them “Well, I really don’t know, let me think about it”, knowing all along just exactly what I wanted. The next day we all met and they agreed to clean all the toilets in the house every day, and their toilet twice a day. Deal. I bet those guys think of me every time they sit down. I think of them every time I hear the statement “you have not because you ask not”.

Discipline is hard work. It is strategic work. I believe it takes a lot of work to formulate, communicate, and implement a plan to help a child get to where he wants to be, and to keep him from going to a place where he doesn’t want to be. The problem that sometimes arises is the inability of a teen to get a glimpse of the “bigger picture”. This inability means that a child will challenge and question along the path of training. How could he not? But, there comes a time when any parent wants to see progress and to know that at least something is getting through. We all want to know that our great plans are at least helping.

When you see that what you are doing is not working, and you’ve tried many different approaches, it may be time to ask for help. Help could be in the form of a youth pastor, a counselor, or a friend of the family with whom you and your child connect. The issue is not so much who you find, but more that you do find someone to help. Don’t wait until everything is spinning out of control before you seek guidance. Don’t hesitate to ask just because you feel that asking means that you’re a failure. That’s not true. It’s quite the opposite. You’ll be a failure as a parent to not ask.

Provoking Your Child to Anger

Young people today are angry for a number of reasons, some of which have been mentioned in this booklet. When anger is present, it is usually because someone isn’t getting something that they want. When most families come to me, the child is angry about something, and the parents are equally angry. Usually, the anger of each, is a response to not getting what they want from each other. Amidst all the anger, parents must reflect and insure that some of their issues are not causing their child’s anger. (There are times when I as a parent must do things that anger my child. Let’s call that good anger.)

My focus here is really the bad anger. These are the things that the parent does, whether intentional or unintentional , that really have something to do with his own issues, her lack of insight, his unwillingness to see, or her own struggles. That’s the focus.

The comments that I hear from young people most often are those that usually begin with the words “I’m so mad at my Dad…” and end with a variety of phrases like “because he never admits when he is wrong”, or, “because he just ignores what I have to say”, or, “he treats me like a little kid”, or “because he never listens, and always thinks that he’s right”. They say “I’m mad at Mom…”, “because she won’t quit hounding me about everything”, or “because she cares more about what others think than what I think”, or “because she knows how Dad is, and won’t do a thing about it”. Some of the time, their anger is aimed at parents’ hypocrisy, two-facedness, lack of backbone, wrongdoing, and other inadequacies that all imperfect people display, intentional or unintentional.

So, if a parent is going exert authority in a relationship with their child, or begin to regain authority territory that’s been lost, it’s important that each parent follow some counsel of a fellow who said “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” The importance of this statement is paramount before you assume a position that will place you in a perceived role of judge, referee, and umpire within your family.

Now, you and I know that we aren’t perfect. I’m sure that you display your imperfections at times. (It’s hard to believe, but probably true.) If your imperfection shows itself in your home, your kids are going to see it.

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children”. Another translation says “Fathers, don’t provoke your child to anger”.

As stated earlier, the discipline that we are talking about is not about you, It’s about them. So let’s make sure that the focus is not on you, nor have you be the one that is at fault. It’s hard to correct the problems in others when others think that you are the problem.

Here are some thoughts and suggestions on how parents can make sure that they aren’t the focus of their child’s anger. Not all of these thoughts are based on “things we do”, but include those things that we “don’t do” as well. Don’t eliminate the observation and inspection of yourself to just what you do, what you don’t do may be equally and sometimes far greater “anger producers” for your child. Here are my suggestions:

1. Admit when you’re wrong. These are simple words for a very difficult task. The problem that teens have is that, while all parents know that they are capable of being wrong, seldom do they admit that to their kids. Quite honestly, some parents believe they can be wrong, they just never are. Remember the Superman mentality. (That was when your kids looked at you as such and thought you could do no wrong.) Well, as you’ve grown closer and as they have become more perceptive, they’re willing to” tug on Superman’s cape” a little more. My counsel to parents is to go ahead and admit where you’re wrong, and by doing so, you will be pulling the fuse out of an explosive situation. When you admit, there’s no longer a reason to argue and fight. It buries the wrongdoing. The admission allows everyone to move to a different place and really deal with the main issues, rather than getting stuck in a conversation where you just waste time and breath.

The way to do this is simple. You begin the conversation with the words, “I want you to know that I was wrong, ” even before you say hello, hug, or greet. It sets the tone. What you’ll find is this example will often move your child to do the same. I’ve seen it work so many times when I’ve been wrong, it makes me want to make things up to say that I’m wrong (I’m joking, but there is some truth in the process).

Many times the problem is that I don’t know that I’m wrong. Dads, that’s where you’ve got to be willing to believe what your wife is telling you. Perhaps, there is some truth in what she’s saying. Moms, there’s some truth in what your husband is saying as well. Both of you need to listen with your heart’s ear to your kids. Even when they’ve been wrong, there may be some “right” in what they’re saying. Take what is accurate, accept it, admit it, and move on. When you admit your wrongdoing, your teens can’t use “it” anymore. The measure of good parents is not the absence of wrongdoing. It’s the presence of strength that allows them to admit when they are wrong. That’s integrity at its finest.

2. Listen with “wise ears”. The tendency when you are confronted, or when approached by your child in regard to something they don’t agree with, is to get on their level rather than remaining in a position of wisdom . Perception is reality to the one who perceives it. As a parent you don’t have to be threatened by perceptions. Truth always wins out if there can be a discussion. Listen well and wise. Try to hear what’s really being said. Sometimes a child who complains about “Dad’s always right!” might be a plea to a parent who “hears” the message “I’m the one who is always wrong.” If the Scriptures are true about considering the other person more important, I must try to see things from their perspective. It’s going to their turf, but still remaining who you are.

Listen. Look deeper than the actual words. Don’t let behavior fool you, there’s more going on than you think. Think wise. The problem is not always the behavior. Behavior, more than likely, is symptomatic of other issues. Do you know all the issues your child has or is experiencing? (I remind myself, for example, that my wife was sexually abused for seven years before her parents knew about it. It causes me to always ask “what is it that I don’t see, that is behind the behavior that I do see?”)

3. Never discipline out of your anger. It will only get you in trouble later. If you are mad because of something that your child has either done or not done, in some cases, count to 10, in other cases, count to 10 million. Count to whatever you need to so that you can enter a potentially volatile situation with a cool and clear-thinking head. Don’t let your anger become the focus of the struggle with your child.

Most situations with your child don’t need to be taken care of “right now”. Allow some time to pass so that things can cool down for your child and you, and so that you can think through the wisest way to approach whatever you are dealing with.

4. When you say “Do as I say, not as I do”, you are intimidating your child, stating that you are holding them to an expectation that doesn’t apply to you. You are to model behavior to your child. You are called to be a reflection of God’s character to your child.

5. Don’t ignore. Ignore your child and you will stir them to anger. They might carry out that anger by finding attention elsewhere. When they get into trouble, move toward them. When they make a mistake, share with them how you respond when you fail.

6. Be consistent with your enforcement of rules. Oddly, young people like to know where the boundaries are. They enjoy knowing the “game”. When rules change and fluctuate, so do attitudes toward them.

7. Be willing to change your perceptions. At times, it seems that some parents are more concerned about holding on to old rules and opinions than they are about holding on to their children. If I continued to think that anyone who pierced themselves was gay, I’d be in trouble. If I continued to think that having a tattoo was taboo, I’d lose some very dear friends. If I still thought that wearing Paul Revere & the Raiders boots and a Monkee’s double-breasted shirt while growing out every strand of hair on my head was cool, the distance between my child and I would be unfathomable. I used to think that way. At one time (a very short time) that type of look was cool. I wonder if some people still think in ways that are about as appropriate as a Monkee’s shirt and go-go boots. My point is this. Things change. I don’t lower my standards. I do change my perceptions.

8. Let them grow up. Asking yourself if growth is happening in your family helps to determine if you’re training your teen and preparing them to face the world. If kids today are more immature than they were twenty years ago, chances are your child is too. We would all do well to help them grow up. It is harder to help them grow up than it is to do nothing and watch time pass. The “dues” they will have to pay in the future are much higher than those same “dues” they can pay now.

9. Use common sense. One father told me at a retreat that he had just gotten tired of doing what his pastor told him to do. His pastor’s “wise” advice was to spank the child until you basically beat them into submission. The father told me that he would spank his daughter on the legs sometimes until he drew blood. Now this fellow wasn’t a stupid fellow, he was a medical doctor who had demonstrated his ability to think, and surely understood what physical trauma he would cause. But, he was desperate, desperate enough that he would follow some bizarre advice that contradicts all logic and common sense. When you’re desperate, you’ll do anything. The damage that he caused was far greater than the damage that had been done through her stubbornness and strong-willed character.

This brings up another topic that should be discussed. People ask me all the time what I think about spanking. For young children, absolutely spank them; as long as it doesn’t move into beating. Using common sense, restraint, and wisdom, a mother or father can find that spanking can help a child learn. (Unleashing the option to use corporal punishment as a way of discipline will move kids to fear their parents and will establish a fear of others.)

Shall I go further? I believe in the parent’s right to spank a child. I don’t believe in beating. I believe in using something to “get the point across”, not “driving home a point.” I believe in spanking as long as it is one of many different options for discipline, not when it is the only one. I don’t believe that teens should be spanked. I would expand that age group to pre-teens in most circumstances. Parents must be very careful about any type of corporal punishment, and my encouragement would be to use your head, not your emotions, in determining what is right for your family.

When we first started a child care agency in Texas, we were legally allowed to use corporal punishment as a form of discipline. Long story short, I found that over the years, for teens this technique accomplished nothing and our staff no longer have that option. There are other consequential options or encouragements for teens that are more effective.

And just a word about spanking in anger, don’t. This is when the parent needs a “time out”. Enough said.

Final Thoughts

Perhaps you’re feeling like Popeye. Popeye, the old cartoon character I remember as a kid, would take it and take it and take it, until he got pushed to his limit and then said, “That’s all I can stand cause I can’t stand no more.” If your child has moved to become openly defiant, stubbornly oppositional, and blatantly disrespectful, and all that you have tried just isn’t working, I would encourage you to seek a greater source of help. Sadly, there’s no magical can of spinach that’s going to give you all the strength you desire, and beating someone up (as Popeye always did) doesn’t change your child’s problems that you will face tomorrow. If you’ve reached that limit, take a deep breath and pray that God will give you a bigger picture of what is to come, rather than focusing on what you see before you. Keep looking with the eyes of your heart to see the heart of your child, who needs you desperately to train him and prepare her for a world that is bent on devouring their minds and erasing the fingerprint of God that has been placed on their life. You are not only a part of the process, but a key player on a team of people in your child’s life who will teach your child throughout their life.

It’s not an easy task to discipline your child. Your child needs you to do so. He needs your correction, your wisdom, and your willingness to help him travel the path on which God has placed him. She needs your gentle, but firm, guidance. And, He needs you to be a reflection of His love to your children. A wise man once told me, “When you’re called to be a servant, don’t stoop to be a king”. There is never a more servant-like heart, than when a parent is willing to love a child through anything, and remain with them in everything. Don’t quit because it’s hard. Hang in there and don’t grow weary in doing what is right. You are to do what you are supposed to do. Don’t let your child determine your parenting.

Tom Landry, former coach of the Dallas Cowboys, once said that a coach is a person who makes someone do what they don’t want to do, to get them to a place that they want to be. Such is the world of discipline. One day, your child will thank you for hanging in there with him or her, and fighting for them and. at times, against them. Success lies in the process of what is transferred to your child as you discipline. So discipline your child well.

If you would like more information about
the Heartlight Ministries Residential Program,
log on to http://ping.fm/dlsib

To inquire about Mark Gregston’s speaking engagements or to schedule a Dealing With Struggling Teens Seminar in your area, contact us at www.DealingWithStrugglingTeens.com.

Learn more about the Heartlight Radio program and where you can tune in your area at www.HeartlightRadio.com.

by Mark Gregston
Heartlight Ministries Foundation
P.O. Box 480
Hallsville, Texas 75650

Discipline part 2

Here are some things to remember about discipline:

1. The purpose of discipline is to help your child get to a place that he/she want to be. Understanding that, a parent must then construct every consequence, rule, expectation, and directive around the intent of getting the child to a place that he/she wants to go. Much like a horse, any child can’t totally understand, much less comprehend, where they’re going, or
how they’re going to get there. Unlike a horse, a child can learn to trust in deep ways, and can reason a little better (we hope).

I stated earlier that discipline shouldn’t always be about punishment. The direction that I take my child must be predicated on the fact that I know where I’m going. As a parent, one must understand the direction, the “end point”, and have some strategy to get there. If a parent doesn’t understand this, then the purpose of discipline becomes nothing more than telling a child what NOT TO DO, without telling them what TO DO.
It’s like saying to them, “Don’t go there, because I want you to go to a place that neither of us know.”

So the questions I would ask are: Where are you going with your discipline? Do you know where you want to go with your child? Do you know where your child wants to go? Do you know for what you’re disciplining them? Do you have a plan? (Remember, if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.)

2. Rules without relationship causes rebellion. If one thinks that discipline is nothing more than a list of rules posted on the refrigerator that line out how everyone is supposed to act, they are greatly mistaken. It is important that time be spent with your child outside of just correcting and disciplining them. I usually suggest that a father and son, mother and daughter or any combination of the four, spend time together over a weekly breakfast or a special weekly dinner, where a relationship can be fostered. If you tell me that you already have a great relationship, then I would tell you to do it anyway. It is one more opportunity for you to develop a platform of dialogue should a tough time arise or if you find that discussions at home just aren’t working. Have a meal together. Spend time asking questions. Get to know your child. Ask what is happening in their life. Don’t share your opinion until they ask. Move toward them. Get their “take” on things in their world.

Over time you’ll find that this new platform will give you the opportunity to share your stories, a place to admit faults and shortcomings, an arena for them to share their concerns, and an opportunity for them to ask you questions. And don’t quit meeting if there is disagreement or conflict in your household. Commit to the time, and commit to each other.

If your child doesn’t want to do this, make it a requirement. Let them know that you think that it’s important enough that you’ll not pay for the cell phone, or not pay car insurance, or not pay for a car. Let them know that this is so important to you that you’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. Build the relationship.

3. Look to their interest. As stated, it’s not about you, it’s about them. Scripture reminds us in Philippians to “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” Don’t hand out a consequence just because it makes you mad. Hand it out because, if they continue in the inappropriate behavior, the result will be something that is harmful to them, and will take them somewhere they really don’t want to go. Now you may still be mad, but don’t let your anger be your motivation. Your motivation is to help your child, not to vent your frustration or anger. The purpose of getting together for breakfast should not be that you’ll look like a better Dad, but should be because your child needs time together with you. The purpose of having them make good grades is so that they can get to the college they want to go to, not because making bad grades is a reflection on you. The reason to encourage sports is not because you feel that every child who plays sports is better, but because your child wants to do something. This is about them, not you.

4. “Standing in front of your child” means confrontation. Confrontation is never easy, and is never really that enjoyable. It’s easy to hang out with a child when everything is going well, not so easy when it’s not. Confrontation doesn’t have to mean war. Hopefully, you can move to a discussion about whatever the issues are, and put them on the table to talk about. It might happen at the breakfast you have every week. It might happen in the car. Wherever it happens, just make sure that it does. To avoid confrontation is only postponing the inevitable to a time when things will be worse.

As a word to the wise, I would tell you to not confront when you are angry. Let everything cool down first. When you do approach your child, let them know that you’d like to talk about something that has come up. When you do get together for the confrontation, lead with questions.
Give opportunities for answers. Keep telling yourself that this is about them, not you. Share your concerns.

5. Don’t be afraid of seeing your child go through pain. Parents are, at times, much too quick to rescue a child from their discomfort, thus keeping them from learning from their mistakes or choices. A person will continue in their inappropriate behavior until the pain derived from that behavior is greater than the pleasure received from it. Your rescuing just might allow them to continue in their plight. There are many words for this, denial, enabling, equipping, all done with the wrong motive, and all leading to wrong results.

When your child does go through consequences for inappropriate behavior or choices, don’t pull back from the relationship. They can be grounded and still have you spend time with them. They can “pay the price” and still have you love on them. Disengaging from a child while they’re being “disciplined” or going through the pain of some loss of privileges communicates a performance-based relationship. This communicates to your child that you’ll be “with” them as long as they don’t do anything wrong, which isn’t exactly what most parents want to communicate nor is it what most teens want to hear. Young people who I have met through the years all know that their parents love them when they’re “right”, but live with a fear that they won’t be loved when they are “wrong”. Let them know that you love them when they are wrong.

There’s nothing wrong with communicating to someone that if one continues in the behavior then it will damage your relationship with them. Not because of what you’re doing, but because of what they’re doing. Remember, it’s about them.

Whenever young people are disciplined at Heartlight, they are usually given work projects or eliminated from social activities. While they work, I make sure that I get them something to drink, grab something from Starbucks to take to them, stop and talk with them, or buy them lunch. It is my intention to communicate that I love them just as much when they’ve done something wrong as when they do everything right. All kids need to hear that message.

6. You can’t correct everything so pick your battles wisely. If I was determined to correct every issue that a child presents, I would spend all my time correcting, and very little time building any relationship at all. Your child is not going to be perfect this side of heaven, and there’s plenty of time to correct things along the way.

Experience has showed me a couple of things (among the thousands) of note about moms and dads in this regard. Moms have a tendency to want to correct everything, and most of the time, can’t sit still until everything is “right”. Dads on the other hand, don’t think that anything is wrong, so they stop short of doing anything to correct the presenting problems.

The answer: Mom and Dad need to get together to figure out what is important at this stage of the game and determine how issues are going to be confronted, and decide what needs to be tackled now, and what can wait.

7. Discipline is a lot more than just rules, consequences, and justice, it’s training. “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Most take this Scripture to mean only spiritual training. No doubt, it does include that, but it also would pertain to training in the world of finances, in developing responsibility, and in personal relationships just to name a few.

I wonder sometimes if the reason that we see so much anger in young people is that we’re not preparing them for the world into which they are walking. Anger is an emotional response to not getting what you want. Young people tell me all the time that they’re angry, and they don’t know why. As I spend time with them and help them process what they feel and think, I sense that they just aren’t ready to hit the world running, and it angers them. Could it be that this is one of the reasons that young people headed off to college these days are so dependent on their parents? I’d be mad too if someone expected me to fulfill an expectation without preparing me for the task. It’s just a thought,

The point is this. We must prepare our children for the world in which they will live. Somewhere in the midst of raising children, our emphasis must switch from protecting to preparing, from lecture to discussion, and from doing things for them to allowing them to learn to do things for themselves. They’re immature. They’re immature because we’ve created a teen world that is lacking in accountability, and short on responsibility. Parents must move young people from dependency on Mom and Dad to independence. It’s a part of training. It’s part of discipline. It allows a maturing of relationships to happen. The kind of maturing that makes it easier to “leave and cleave” when the time comes.

The purpose of discipline, the need for real relationship, the interest of the child, the task of confronting, the necessity of pain, the value of wisdom, and the importance of preparation: What else do parents need to know about discipline?

Beliefs, Boundaries, and Rules

Beliefs

Most of the time parents are coming to me and saying the following: “Help me, my home is spinning out of control”, “What I’ve been doing for so long isn’t working any longer, what do I do?”, “How can I get my kids to listen to me?”, “I’ve ignored my kids for so long, how can I start something new when I’ve been such a failure?”, “Where do I start?” These are great questions from some great parents who desire great things for their kids. They just don’t know how to start.

Let’s start at the beginning. Have you asked yourself those pertinent questions that would give you some direction? “Who am I?” “What do I believe about what I want for my family?” “What do I want for my kids and from my kids ?” “What do I support, and what do I not support?” “What do my kids need?” “What are some goals I would love to see realized for my family?” These are all great questions that help parents establish what they believe.

Once parents know where they want to go, it’s much easier to map out a strategy. A major roadblock to developing a new strategy is the belief of most parents that parenting should become easier as the time goes on. Thus, there is a dependence on parenting skills “of old” and former “habits of the home” with the belief that because these formerly used customs worked then, so why won’t they work now? Using the old ways allows for old behaviors to continue: Fifteen year-old kids throwing fits like a five year-old; Sixteen year-olds who can’t even get out of bed, but are expected to hold a job; Eighteen year-olds, who are now adults, being treated like they were twelve, and acting like it. Which came first? The treatment or the behavior.

In his book, Dedication and Leadership, Douglas Hyde comments that to get more from people, you must demand more. Scripture tells us that “we have not, because we ask not.” It’s true. We get what we ask. So the big question is: What are you asking for?

It is my personal belief that a seventeen year-old young man ought to be able to get out of bed. If he can’t, then he needs to pay the consequences. What are those consequences? He’ll be late to school, have to “stay after” to make up a class, might flunk the class or test that he was to take that day, or might miss something in which he really wanted to participate. Now, if he gets mad at his parents for not waking him up and is disrespectful, then we have another problem. I can promise you this, if he has to pay the price a number of times, he’ll change his tune and learn some new habits. Right now he doesn’t have to because Mommy and Daddy will come and wake him up. (My Dad got out of his bunk at age seventeen to run radio communications on a naval destroyer in the Pacific. This young man can’t even get out of bed to make it to school, and worse yet, he feels it is Mom and Dad’s responsibility and he gets angry when they don’t do their job.)

There are problems written all over this scenario and they can be applied to several different situations. First, the parents have allowed old habits, those developed in the elementary school years, to creep over into the teen years. Second, the parents are keeping this child from developing responsibility, thus allowing immaturity to continue. Third, the child is angry because he hasn’t been prepared to do what he needs to do in a world that will demand that he work to get somewhere. Fourth, because of the dependence the young man has had on his Mom or Dad to wake him up, he will be even angrier when the parents decide to transfer control of this little responsibility to him. Why? He’s dependent on it. Where should he be moved to? Independence.

What do you think about this story? Sound familiar? If parents are going to tackle issues such as these, they have to start at the very beginning. And the beginning is asking them what they believe. The question here is, “Do you believe that a seventeen year-old young man ought to be able to get out of bed on his own?” If you do, then you take that belief and apply “rules of the house” to the situation to begin the process of preparing your child for the next stage of his life; a stage where “Mommy and Daddy” won’t be around to wake “Billy” up in the morning.

Please recognize the exaggeration in this story. I do so to make a point. It’s almost as if parents fall into the trap of depending on ideologies that were formed by their parents, or determined at the earlier stages of their marriages, or developed when their children were very young. These family customs have got to change. The first part of this change is to determine my beliefs. The second stage is setting some boundaries.

Boundaries

A boundary defines us. It tells us who we are, and perhaps, who we’re not. A boundary gives us backbone. It allows us to not be walked on or taken advantage of. A boundary establishes who “me” is and who “me” is not. It defines my role; which ones I will play, and those I won’t. It’s saying “no” when I want to, and “yes” when I want to. These boundaries are something that are about “me”. And, there’s nothing wrong with establishing who I am. In the process, the definition of who I am as a parent, will also define who “you are” as a child.

Allow me to use this truth to demonstrate some boundaries that I would place in the “getting-out-of-bed” illustration. The first boundary that I would set is: I’m not an alarm clock and I’m not going to take on the responsibility of getting someone over the age of twelve out of bed in the morning. The second boundary is: I’m not responsible for you getting to school. The third is: I’m not the person to complain to when you can’t fulfill what you need to do to make life happen the way you want. I’ll talk about it, but don’t “dump this one” on me. Now I can still make breakfast, still engage in conversation, but all the while, I let them take responsibility.

Young people tell me all the time that they want to make decisions for themselves and be in control of their own lives. My first thought is “Hallelujah! We want the same thing!” So what do we do as parents? Give it to them. Let them do it. Some young people have the ability to “set the world on fire”, (figuratively speaking, not literally), but they can’t even get out of bed.

It sounds harsh doesn’t it? It does if you are accustomed to being walked on and have gotten in the habit of “babying” your child. It’s not really that harsh if you sit back and read again what is being asked. How are we supposed to put this into action?

If your child is young, let them know that when they turn thirteen that you expect them to get themselves out of bed, do whatever you require thirteen-year-olds to do in the morning, eat breakfast, and be ready to leave for school by a certain time. Remember how they want to be a teen and take on responsibility? Give it to them. You’d much rather deal with the repercussions of their learning at an earlier age when grades don’t matter as much, than you would when their learning could postpone going to college.

If your child is that seventeen year-old, then it’s okay to change directions with old habits. Yes, leopards grow new spots, old dogs learn new tricks, and I am not doomed to live by standards and habits that I developed twenty years ago. It’s okay to have “that talk” with your teen, and simply tell them that you’re not going to be able to do that any more, AND, this is a responsibility that they’re going to have to take on. Tell them that you’ll buy them an alarm clock if they want. Tell them that you’ll show them how to set the alarm clock. Tell them that breakfast will be waiting. Ask them what they want you to do if they don’t get out of bed (I’d let them sleep all day). Offer yourself. Give them the responsibility.

You begin to set boundaries and you’ll be amazed how they will learn to set boundaries. You begin to say “no”, and they’ll learn how to say “no”. You establish rules for your home; they’ll establish rules for their home. You ask them questions, they’ll begin to ask you questions. You become who you are to be, and surprisingly, they’ll start to become who they are to be. It’s an amazing concept. It’s called mentoring. It’s called training. It’s called “monkey see, monkey do”. It’s called preparing. I think we all should know it as “parenting”.

Rules

I’ve always said that immaturity demands boundaries and defiance demands consequences. As a parent, I set the boundaries (the fences), in which I operate, and also those within which my child operates. It’s saying to my child: “Here are the options for you to choose.” The options offered are boundaries that I set for the benefit of me and for the benefit of them. I let them know what I will do and what I won’t do. I also let them know what parameters they have to function within. Their choosing what to do is their control, their exercise of decision making, and their responsibility to engage.

As parents begin to develop rules for the home, I encourage them to outline what they believe their home should be. I call it a “Belief System”. After lining out the beliefs, determine what rules will support those beliefs. From there you can then determine what the consequences would be for violating any of the rules. I encourage people to graph out what they want in spreadsheet form, so that each belief has a rule and each rule has a consequence.

Using the “getting out of bed” illustration one could line it out as follows:

Belief:
A teenager ought to be able to get out of bed on their own.
Rule:
You (the teenager) must get yourself out of bed for school.
Consequence:
1st time: You have to make up all missed school work
2nd time: You’re grounded Friday and Saturday night
3rd time: We’re taking the car away (older teen).

Do you think the consequences will “push” your child to either accept responsibility or develop some new habits? I’m sure they will. When they learn that you are serious about the consequences, they’ll become serious about maturing. Once the “system” is set, don’t undermine it by making exceptions. You can do that later. Put the system in place and let it be your guide. Just like a Policy and Procedure Manual for a company, this Belief System can determine actions to be taken because the decisions have already been made.

This is a pretty easy concept and can be adapted to just about any situation or home. When you develop this Belief System for your home, I would encourage you to insure that everything is age/maturity appropriate, clearly understood, and mutually supported by both parents and all involved.

When you then have to correct your child, they will know that this is about them and their choices. It’s not that you as a parent have gotten them into trouble. It’s that they have gotten themselves into trouble by not following what has been agreed to. They chose.

I encourage you to determine what you believe about disrespect, dishonesty, or disobedience, and line out the consequences for the violation of each. The priority you give to your belief, or the value you place on certain rules over, will determine the priority and severity of the consequences. Driving while drunk will bring a more severe consequence than not getting out of bed in the morning.

Will they like consequences? No. Who does? Remember, you’ve got to let them experience the pain of their choices so that they learn “to not go there”. It’s okay to let them “sit in it”. You don’t have to pull back your relationship when they suffer consequences. Move toward them.

What are some of the consequences you can list? Remember how we’ve over-indulged them, how we’ve spoiled them and they can hardly make it on their own? Well, start taking it away. There’s nothing wrong with showing some backbone.

When my wife and I lived in-house at Heartlight, and oversaw the operation of the house, we were having a tough time getting the boys to clean their toilet. After repeatedly pleading, asking, and begging, it was evident that nothing verbal was working to get their attention. So, one day when all of the guys were at school, I removed the toilet from the bathroom. They came home from school, went to go do their “business”, and ended up coming to me asking where their toilet was. I told them that because they couldn’t clean it, they couldn’t have it. One puzzled guy asked, “Well, what are we supposed to do?” It was an easy answer, “Aim well”.

After two days, a delegation of young men came asking what they must do to get their toilet back. I told them “Well, I really don’t know, let me think about it”, knowing all along just exactly what I wanted. The next day we all met and they agreed to clean all the toilets in the house every day, and their toilet twice a day. Deal. I bet those guys think of me every time they sit down. I think of them every time I hear the statement “you have not because you ask not”.

Discipline is hard work. It is strategic work. I believe it takes a lot of work to formulate, communicate, and implement a plan to help a child get to where he wants to be, and to keep him from going to a place where he doesn’t want to be. The problem that sometimes arises is the inability of a teen to get a glimpse of the “bigger picture”. This inability means that a child will challenge and question along the path of training. How could he not? But, there comes a time when any parent wants to see progress and to know that at least something is getting through. We all want to know that our great plans are at least helping.

When you see that what you are doing is not working, and you’ve tried many different approaches, it may be time to ask for help. Help could be in the form of a youth pastor, a counselor, or a friend of the family with whom you and your child connect. The issue is not so much who you find, but more that you do find someone to help. Don’t wait until everything is spinning out of control before you seek guidance. Don’t hesitate to ask just because you feel that asking means that you’re a failure. That’s not true. It’s quite the opposite. You’ll be a failure as a parent to not ask.

Provoking Your Child to Anger

Young people today are angry for a number of reasons, some of which have been mentioned in this booklet. When anger is present, it is usually because someone isn’t getting something that they want. When most families come to me, the child is angry about something, and the parents are equally angry. Usually, the anger of each, is a response to not getting what they want from each other. Amidst all the anger, parents must reflect and insure that some of their issues are not causing their child’s anger. (There are times when I as a parent must do things that anger my child. Let’s call that good anger.)

My focus here is really the bad anger. These are the things that the parent does, whether intentional or unintentional , that really have something to do with his own issues, her lack of insight, his unwillingness to see, or her own struggles. That’s the focus.

The comments that I hear from young people most often are those that usually begin with the words “I’m so mad at my Dad…” and end with a variety of phrases like “because he never admits when he is wrong”, or, “because he just ignores what I have to say”, or, “he treats me like a little kid”, or “because he never listens, and always thinks that he’s right”. They say “I’m mad at Mom…”, “because she won’t quit hounding me about everything”, or “because she cares more about what others think than what I think”, or “because she knows how Dad is, and won’t do a thing about it”. Some of the time, their anger is aimed at parents’ hypocrisy, two-facedness, lack of backbone, wrongdoing, and other inadequacies that all imperfect people display, intentional or unintentional.

So, if a parent is going exert authority in a relationship with their child, or begin to regain authority territory that’s been lost, it’s important that each parent follow some counsel of a fellow who said “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” The importance of this statement is paramount before you assume a position that will place you in a perceived role of judge, referee, and umpire within your family.

Now, you and I know that we aren’t perfect. I’m sure that you display your imperfections at times. (It’s hard to believe, but probably true.) If your imperfection shows itself in your home, your kids are going to see it.

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children”. Another translation says “Fathers, don’t provoke your child to anger”.

As stated earlier, the discipline that we are talking about is not about you, It’s about them. So let’s make sure that the focus is not on you, nor have you be the one that is at fault. It’s hard to correct the problems in others when others think that you are the problem.

Here are some thoughts and suggestions on how parents can make sure that they aren’t the focus of their child’s anger. Not all of these thoughts are based on “things we do”, but include those things that we “don’t do” as well. Don’t eliminate the observation and inspection of yourself to just what you do, what you don’t do may be equally and sometimes far greater “anger producers” for your child. Here are my suggestions:

1. Admit when you’re wrong. These are simple words for a very difficult task. The problem that teens have is that, while all parents know that they are capable of being wrong, seldom do they admit that to their kids. Quite honestly, some parents believe they can be wrong, they just never are. Remember the Superman mentality. (That was when your kids looked at you as such and thought you could do no wrong.) Well, as you’ve grown closer and as they have become more perceptive, they’re willing to” tug on Superman’s cape” a little more. My counsel to parents is to go ahead and admit where you’re wrong, and by doing so, you will be pulling the fuse out of an explosive situation. When you admit, there’s no longer a reason to argue and fight. It buries the wrongdoing. The admission allows everyone to move to a different place and really deal with the main issues, rather than getting stuck in a conversation where you just waste time and breath.

The way to do this is simple. You begin the conversation with the words, “I want you to know that I was wrong, ” even before you say hello, hug, or greet. It sets the tone. What you’ll find is this example will often move your child to do the same. I’ve seen it work so many times when I’ve been wrong, it makes me want to make things up to say that I’m wrong (I’m joking, but there is some truth in the process).

Many times the problem is that I don’t know that I’m wrong. Dads, that’s where you’ve got to be willing to believe what your wife is telling you. Perhaps, there is some truth in what she’s saying. Moms, there’s some truth in what your husband is saying as well. Both of you need to listen with your heart’s ear to your kids. Even when they’ve been wrong, there may be some “right” in what they’re saying. Take what is accurate, accept it, admit it, and move on. When you admit your wrongdoing, your teens can’t use “it” anymore. The measure of good parents is not the absence of wrongdoing. It’s the presence of strength that allows them to admit when they are wrong. That’s integrity at its finest.

2. Listen with “wise ears”. The tendency when you are confronted, or when approached by your child in regard to something they don’t agree with, is to get on their level rather than remaining in a position of wisdom . Perception is reality to the one who perceives it. As a parent you don’t have to be threatened by perceptions. Truth always wins out if there can be a discussion. Listen well and wise. Try to hear what’s really being said. Sometimes a child who complains about “Dad’s always right!” might be a plea to a parent who “hears” the message “I’m the one who is always wrong.” If the Scriptures are true about considering the other person more important, I must try to see things from their perspective. It’s going to their turf, but still remaining who you are.

Listen. Look deeper than the actual words. Don’t let behavior fool you, there’s more going on than you think. Think wise. The problem is not always the behavior. Behavior, more than likely, is symptomatic of other issues. Do you know all the issues your child has or is experiencing? (I remind myself, for example, that my wife was sexually abused for seven years before her parents knew about it. It causes me to always ask “what is it that I don’t see, that is behind the behavior that I do see?”)

3. Never discipline out of your anger. It will only get you in trouble later. If you are mad because of something that your child has either done or not done, in some cases, count to 10, in other cases, count to 10 million. Count to whatever you need to so that you can enter a potentially volatile situation with a cool and clear-thinking head. Don’t let your anger become the focus of the struggle with your child.

Most situations with your child don’t need to be taken care of “right now”. Allow some time to pass so that things can cool down for your child and you, and so that you can think through the wisest way to approach whatever you are dealing with.

4. When you say “Do as I say, not as I do”, you are intimidating your child, stating that you are holding them to an expectation that doesn’t apply to you. You are to model behavior to your child. You are called to be a reflection of God’s character to your child.

5. Don’t ignore. Ignore your child and you will stir them to anger. They might carry out that anger by finding attention elsewhere. When they get into trouble, move toward them. When they make a mistake, share with them how you respond when you fail.

6. Be consistent with your enforcement of rules. Oddly, young people like to know where the boundaries are. They enjoy knowing the “game”. When rules change and fluctuate, so do attitudes toward them.

7. Be willing to change your perceptions. At times, it seems that some parents are more concerned about holding on to old rules and opinions than they are about holding on to their children. If I continued to think that anyone who pierced themselves was gay, I’d be in trouble. If I continued to think that having a tattoo was taboo, I’d lose some very dear friends. If I still thought that wearing Paul Revere & the Raiders boots and a Monkee’s double-breasted shirt while growing out every strand of hair on my head was cool, the distance between my child and I would be unfathomable. I used to think that way. At one time (a very short time) that type of look was cool. I wonder if some people still think in ways that are about as appropriate as a Monkee’s shirt and go-go boots. My point is this. Things change. I don’t lower my standards. I do change my perceptions.

8. Let them grow up. Asking yourself if growth is happening in your family helps to determine if you’re training your teen and preparing them to face the world. If kids today are more immature than they were twenty years ago, chances are your child is too. We would all do well to help them grow up. It is harder to help them grow up than it is to do nothing and watch time pass. The “dues” they will have to pay in the future are much higher than those same “dues” they can pay now.

9. Use common sense. One father told me at a retreat that he had just gotten tired of doing what his pastor told him to do. His pastor’s “wise” advice was to spank the child until you basically beat them into submission. The father told me that he would spank his daughter on the legs sometimes until he drew blood. Now this fellow wasn’t a stupid fellow, he was a medical doctor who had demonstrated his ability to think, and surely understood what physical trauma he would cause. But, he was desperate, desperate enough that he would follow some bizarre advice that contradicts all logic and common sense. When you’re desperate, you’ll do anything. The damage that he caused was far greater than the damage that had been done through her stubbornness and strong-willed character.

This brings up another topic that should be discussed. People ask me all the time what I think about spanking. For young children, absolutely spank them; as long as it doesn’t move into beating. Using common sense, restraint, and wisdom, a mother or father can find that spanking can help a child learn. (Unleashing the option to use corporal punishment as a way of discipline will move kids to fear their parents and will establish a fear of others.)

Shall I go further? I believe in the parent’s right to spank a child. I don’t believe in beating. I believe in using something to “get the point across”, not “driving home a point.” I believe in spanking as long as it is one of many different options for discipline, not when it is the only one. I don’t believe that teens should be spanked. I would expand that age group to pre-teens in most circumstances. Parents must be very careful about any type of corporal punishment, and my encouragement would be to use your head, not your emotions, in determining what is right for your family.

When we first started a child care agency in Texas, we were legally allowed to use corporal punishment as a form of discipline. Long story short, I found that over the years, for teens this technique accomplished nothing and our staff no longer have that option. There are other consequential options or encouragements for teens that are more effective.

And just a word about spanking in anger, don’t. This is when the parent needs a “time out”. Enough said.

Final Thoughts

Perhaps you’re feeling like Popeye. Popeye, the old cartoon character I remember as a kid, would take it and take it and take it, until he got pushed to his limit and then said, “That’s all I can stand cause I can’t stand no more.” If your child has moved to become openly defiant, stubbornly oppositional, and blatantly disrespectful, and all that you have tried just isn’t working, I would encourage you to seek a greater source of help. Sadly, there’s no magical can of spinach that’s going to give you all the strength you desire, and beating someone up (as Popeye always did) doesn’t change your child’s problems that you will face tomorrow. If you’ve reached that limit, take a deep breath and pray that God will give you a bigger picture of what is to come, rather than focusing on what you see before you. Keep looking with the eyes of your heart to see the heart of your child, who needs you desperately to train him and prepare her for a world that is bent on devouring their minds and erasing the fingerprint of God that has been placed on their life. You are not only a part of the process, but a key player on a team of people in your child’s life who will teach your child throughout their life.

It’s not an easy task to discipline your child. Your child needs you to do so. He needs your correction, your wisdom, and your willingness to help him travel the path on which God has placed him. She needs your gentle, but firm, guidance. And, He needs you to be a reflection of His love to your children. A wise man once told me, “When you’re called to be a servant, don’t stoop to be a king”. There is never a more servant-like heart, than when a parent is willing to love a child through anything, and remain with them in everything. Don’t quit because it’s hard. Hang in there and don’t grow weary in doing what is right. You are to do what you are supposed to do. Don’t let your child determine your parenting.

Tom Landry, former coach of the Dallas Cowboys, once said that a coach is a person who makes someone do what they don’t want to do, to get them to a place that they want to be. Such is the world of discipline. One day, your child will thank you for hanging in there with him or her, and fighting for them and. at times, against them. Success lies in the process of what is transferred to your child as you discipline. So discipline your child well.

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by Mark Gregston
Heartlight Ministries Foundation
P.O. Box 480
Hallsville, Texas 75650